


do you, don't you, would you

by datahearts



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Musical References, Not Beta Read, Texting, and they're roommates but it's in college, i'm just projecting i'm sorry, if anything needs a tw it'll be in the notes!!, other dps characters may make appearances in passing but they aren't super important here, the slightest mention of homophobia bc todd's parents suck eggs, they both have feelings for each other but they're dumb, updating tags as I go along
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:01:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 16,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28847211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/datahearts/pseuds/datahearts
Summary: just your stereotypical modern day college au but with lots of specific music references and mostly written as text messages
Relationships: Charlie Dalton & Neil Perry, Charlie Dalton/Knox Overstreet (mentioned), Knox Overstreet & Neil Perry, Todd Anderson & Charlie Dalton, Todd Anderson & Knox Overstreet, Todd Anderson & Neil Perry, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 57
Kudos: 57





	1. i wanna rush in with the fools

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a few things i guess
> 
> -todd uses people's full names as their contacts bc why not  
> -they're dorm mates but they share a common area (kitchen/living room area) with charlie and knox. as in they have their own rooms but they share that middle area  
> -this would be their second year in college and it's like a non-specific school. just wherever you think they'd all end up really  
> -it's also set in a reality where the pandemic didn't happen, so it's 2020/2021 but without miss rona

**neil perry**

hey, i heard you listening to boxer earlier

like on repeat

you good?

**todd anderson**

were my headphones that loud or

**neil perry**

they could hear you across town

**todd anderson**

sorry

next time i’ll listen to zephyr

**neil perry**

you know that’s worse right

that means you’re even more sad

boxer is a little sad

but knowing you and knowing zephyr

you’re sad about someone

so who could possibly have gained todd anderson’s attention enough to break his heart?

🕵🏼🕵🏼🕵🏼

**todd anderson**

no one broke my heart

i’m just sad

i guess

**neil perry**

so blasting leave a tender moment alone while i was in the shower then

**todd anderson**

you weren’t supposed to hear that

**neil perry**

okay

if you don’t want to tell me who you’re moping about i won’t force it out of you

i know how you can get

**todd anderson**

and that’s supposed to mean...?

**neil perry**

well

i asked you last year what was bothering you

the whole month of november was just smiths songs on loop

you said it was nothing

and then you played the queen is dead

and i asked you again

you claimed you were just stressing out over your history assignment

but no one listens to i know it’s over when they’re writing about western expansion

so i bugged you again

and you kicked me out for the night

i heard your sobbing from the couch and i knew you weren’t okay

but i couldn’t bother you about it anymore

as for how that fits in right now?

i’m just concerned about you

i don’t want to sleep on the couch again

and you shouldn’t have to hide yourself from me

**todd anderson**

neil

what difference would it make if you knew or not

it wouldn’t change anything

i mean it would change everything

but not in a good way

**neil perry**

i can assure you my lips are sealed

i won’t go running to tell them you like them

judging by how many times i’ve heard you play sorrow you don’t think they like you back

soon enough you’ll be playing the honorary title

**todd anderson**

they don’t like me back

who would

**neil perry**

when i get back i’m gonna slap you

**todd anderson**

thanks

**neil perry**

but really

you can’t put yourself down like that

whoever this person is you like

obviously you like them for a reason

why can’t they have the same reason

why does everyone else deserve love but not you

**todd anderson**

i’m

i don’t know

**neil perry**

anyway

i’ll be home soon

charlie had to take the scenic route from the store

**todd anderson**

i’ll put on some soccer mommy for you <3

**neil perry**

and you wonder why i worry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a playlist of the chapter titles:  
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5xvwpPiuPCEH4kE849N6uE?si=ocp-VuK2SLKPQWCL5d2k9Q
> 
> music references:
> 
> chapter title is from squalor victoria by the national  
> boxer and sorrow are both by the national  
> zephyr is by niki  
> leave a tender moment alone is by billy joel  
> the queen is dead and i know it's over are both by the smiths  
> the honorary title album in question is scream and light up the sky  
> and the soccer mommy album in question is color theory <3


	2. sometimes i really want you but sometimes i really don't

**todd anderson**

neil

what’s that one playlist you’re always listening to

the one with all the sad songs

**neil perry**

um

lowkey?

but they’re not all sad

**todd anderson**

what a life saver ❤️

**neil perry**

wait a minute

todd

you said you were going to the library

shouldn’t you be listening to your classical music or something???

**todd anderson**

i started reading this book

extremely loud and incredibly close

just because it was on the cart of books that weren’t put back yet

and neil

it’s really sad

and now i want to listen to sad music to fit the vibe

**neil perry**

oh yea

i didn’t read the book but i saw the movie

**todd anderson**

how uncultured

**neil perry**

i didn’t know there was a book before i saw it 😭

but why are you trying to be sad this week

if i see you listening to nokia tonight i’m going to fight you

**todd anderson**

says the one who’s blasting taylor swift in the mornings

**neil perry**

well sorry for being in a red mood lately

**todd anderson**

so if you can be in a taylor mood why can’t i be in the mood for ouch!

**neil perry**

because you’ve listened to feel this way every night for the whole week

and that’s concerning

**todd anderson**

fine

i’ve been depressed all week

sue me

**neil perry**

okay

put that playlist on then

i assume you don’t want to be happy rn

**todd anderson**

you wanna be sad together?

**neil perry**

what makes you think i’m sad??

**todd anderson**

spotify says you’re listening to evermore

coney island rn

**neil perry**

fine

bring that book with you

**todd anderson**

<3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> chapter title is from nokia by matt watson  
> ouch!, feel this way, and nokia are by matt watson  
> red, evermore, and coney island are by taylor swift
> 
> also!! the book todd finds is by jonathan safran foer


	3. infatuation is the perfect camouflage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> bit of a short chapter but was worth posting <3

**neil perry**

hey i forgot my calculus book would you mind meeting me halfway for it

**todd anderson**

sure

by the way

i saw YOU listening to the honorary title

so what’s that about

**neil perry**

sometimes i like to listen to stay away

it’s a good song to blast and cry to <3

**todd anderson**

agreed

but who is it

**neil perry**

bold of you to assume i would cry over someone

some songs i don’t relate to but it’s fun to sing along

**todd anderson**

right

**neil perry**

he’s really cute though

the “someone”

really stupid at times but cute

**todd anderson**

so

i know you can’t dance

but you want to dance with this guy

**neil perry**

???

you got that from one honorary title song

what

**todd anderson**

you know the implication of that song

oth season 5

it’s just angst

**neil perry**

ah yes

“you still love me, don’t you?”

“i have to go see lindsey” 🤢

**todd anderson**

what a trainwreck

btw i’m on my way i’ll see you in a bit

**neil perry**

okay

thanks again

**todd anderson**

np

**neil perry**

oh and todd?

**todd anderson**

yea

**neil perry**

listening to far more now <3

**todd anderson**

god you have issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references: 
> 
> chapter title is from wait until i'm gone by the honorary title  
> far more and stay away are by the honorary title
> 
> (if it wasn't obvious before, i really love the album scream and light up the sky. and i really miss the honorary title.  
> and the one tree hill season 5 reference was from the episode that the honorary title performed in, episode 7. thank you for reading!!)


	4. i didn't ask for this pain, it just came over me

**todd anderson**

hey did you do the art paper yet

**neil perry**

like an hour ago

you need help?

**todd anderson**

just on the last part

what the fuck is the cathedral important for

outside of religious shit

**neil perry**

the architecture dummy

it's all baroque

and apparently a great example of what the art style is meant to be

those catholics wanted to be ✨dramatic✨

**todd anderson**

and that's it??

just fancy dramatic architecture

**neil perry**

yes

you know you can be so stupid sometimes

**todd anderson**

thank you

i take pride in my stupidity

**neil perry**

did you write your paper for english

**todd anderson**

you know what

today has been

art paper

listening to my morning jacket

stress

coffee

animal crossing

and texting you

so no

**neil perry**

MMJ??

what album

**todd anderson**

it still moves

:)

**neil perry**

good choice

maybe when you get back we can help each other with the english paper

and listen to MMJ on blast

**todd anderson**

if you start on the intro we have a deal

**neil perry**

but toddy

i hate intros

**todd anderson**

"toddy"???

😐

no intro no MMJ

neily

**neil perry**

i'll just listen to the national then :/

*tips hat* toddy

**todd anderson**

i hate you

put on about today though

**neil perry**

mystery boy stressing you out??

**todd anderson**

always <3

**neil perry**

i'll play about today then

just for you

and not bc i can relate

**todd anderson**

okay so

my "mystery boy" is stressing me out

but yours is making you want to sit and cry with a pint of ice cream

**neil perry**

is there a problem

**todd anderson**

um

have you figured out if he likes you back yet??

**neil perry**

god no

do you know how hard that is

**todd anderson**

clearly i do

but maybe we should make a deal

**neil perry**

i'm listening

**todd anderson**

we both have to tell our mystery crushes we like them

doesn't need to be obvious to him

but just make it somewhat known

**neil perry**

are you serious

you'd tell this guy you like him

you??????

**todd anderson**

i know

i've lost it

but i'm kind of tired of pretending i don't like him

idk

**neil perry**

so what you're thinking is

if we tell them

and they reject us

we'll have each other to lean on

**todd anderson**

yea

something like that

**neil perry**

and what if they feel the same

**todd anderson**

???

then we'd have boyfriends

what

**neil perry**

okay but

i mean

what's the likelihood they would feel the same

**todd anderson**

for you? 100%

for me? 2%

**neil perry**

HAHA

that's a good joke

real funny one

**todd anderson**

i'm

it's just the truth

**neil perry**

yea

and you’re the guy i like

so

**todd anderson**

now that

that's a good joke

neil

???

guess i'll see you when i'm done with the project

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no i'm not projecting all of this what do you mean
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from pink rabbits by the national  
> it still moves is by my morning jacket  
> about today is by the national


	5. you come around, i feel so down, i'm gonna drown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a mini conversation between neil and charlie? more likely than you think

**neil perry**

charlie

charlieeeee

charles dalton

nuwanda

what the hell are you doing that you aren't answering me

**charlie dalton**

sorry i was picking up the food i ordered

what's up

**neil perry**

we have a situation

**charlie dalton**

is it todd related

**neil perry**

very much

i said i liked him

and he didn't believe me

he thought i was telling it jokingly

after he wanted me to tell my "mystery boy" how i felt

i think it's safe to assume he doesn't like me

**charlie dalton**

wait

you really did that???

and why does he want you to tell him so badly

**neil perry**

idk

he said he was tired of pretending

but why is this so hard

why does it feel like i ruined everything

am i overreacting

**charlie dalton**

yes

you're always overreacting

maybe he didn't understand the conversation entirely

maybe he thought you really were joking

**neil perry**

he's coming back soon

what do i do

**charlie dalton**

i think you know what you should do

but you'll end up deflecting

so just put on the bakman tapes and cry in your bed

if you think he wouldn't feel the same

**neil perry**

and what if i'm wrong

**charlie dalton**

then you tell him

show him how you feel

make him a playlist

just don't fuck it up

**neil perry**

thanks

**charlie dalton**

if he rejects you my door is open

**neil perry**

<3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from all i want by susie suh  
> the bakman tapes is by susie suh


	6. don't be my last strange encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and now for a conversation between todd and knox featuring angst <3

**todd anderson**

hey

can i get your advice on something?

**knox overstreet**

sure

what's up

**todd anderson**

i wanna tell neil how i feel

but every time i think about it i feel like i'm having a panic attack

and i think i upset him somehow

he just left me on read

am i making too much out of nothing??

**knox overstreet**

well

i can hear feather in the wind playing over there

so we might have a problem

**todd anderson**

really?

he said he was gonna play the national

**knox overstreet**

that is unmistakably susie suh’s voice

**todd anderson**

shit

i’ll be done soon

do you think i should tell him tonight??

**knox overstreet**

depends on what he’s moping about

if you really did upset him then maybe

if he’s upset about something he didn’t mention to you then probably not

**todd anderson**

and what if i tell him and he doesn’t feel the same

or what if i freak him out too much

**knox overstreet**

if you don’t think he feels the same you’re ridiculous

but in the off chance he doesn’t you know where to find me or charlie

**todd anderson**

yea okay

thanks

**knox overstreet**

no problem

* * *

**neil perry**

maybe don’t come back tonight

**todd anderson**

what

what did you do??

neil

neil what happened

i’m coming back now

please don’t tell me you did something stupid

* * *

**todd anderson**

knox

i need you to check on neil for me

**knox overstreet**

why what happened

**todd anderson**

idk he said not to come back to the dorm tonight

and i’m on my way back

but you’re already there so please just make sure he’s okay

**knox overstreet**

okay

he’s just sitting in the windowsill

i think he’s crying

let me ask him what’s wrong

**todd anderson**

ask him if it’s my fault

**knox overstreet**

he said it is

**todd anderson**

fuck

okay

i’ll be there in a minute

just make sure he doesn’t do anything worse

**knox overstreet**

you have my word anderson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually hate this one bye
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from strange encounter by father john misty  
> feather in the wind is by susie suh


	7. you’re all i want to want to know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !! tw for mentions of self harm and mr perry being the world's greatest (worst) dad
> 
> also, this is the first chapter without texts so if it's bad i'm sorry. i wrote it at 4am after procrastinating it all night while listening to the songs neil plays in the chapter and i didn't like where it was going At All but here it is

todd barely made it through the door before he heard muffled yelling coming from his room.

_“you’ve been doing great lately! why throw that away over a crush?”_

_“it’s not just a crush, knox! you’ve known that for months!”_

_“don’t throw it away because of todd. he’d never forgive you if you did.”_

_“what does he care?”_

_“neil, you know i love you, but you can be so ignorant sometimes. he fucking loves you. he comes to charlie and i all the time and goes on about how much he likes you and you_ know _how bad his anxiety gets. it scares him... trying to tell you how he feels. so before you go and throw away over a year’s worth of being clean because you think he hates you, just know he feels the same as you.”_

todd stood frozen in the kitchen, losing his grip on his books and not processing that they had fallen to the floor with a loud thud. the yelling stopped and knox stepped out from the room to make sure everything was okay.

“you alright?”

“what? oh, i’m fine. how- how is he?”

“you should talk to him. i think you’d get through to him better than me.”

“okay.”

he made his way over to the door, quietly opening and closing it. neil was playing a sufjan stevens song as he tried to wipe his tears away.

“i guess knox told you?”

“uh, no, he didn’t.”

“i was being stupid, it doesn’t matter now.”

“i-i heard him say you shouldn’t relapse over me. what... what was that about?”

“nothing, it's- i haven't done that in a long time."

"if it was nothing i'd expect you to be happy, not crying."

todd was now standing in front of neil, watching his eyes stare at the stars in the sky. the song changed to an old radiohead song todd faintly recognized from one of the playlists charlie sent him last week.

"you know i've been friends with charlie and knox for years, right?"

"yea, since you were kids. why?"

"you would hate the person i was before you met me. i mean... i was a mess. before i turned eighteen i had to do whatever my parents told me to, and they could get away with it because i wasn't technically an adult yet. but the last year of high school, i got a little rebellious, because i was almost old enough to be my own person, so i tried out for the school play. nothing major really, just a shakespeare story, but i got the part and it took everything i had to try to keep it from my parents. i guess someone told my father on accident and he... he wasn't happy with me. told me i had to quit or i wouldn't be able to hang out with my friends for the rest of the year. i told him acting was important to me and he let me stay but i wasn’t allowed to do another play after that.”

he stopped for a moment and looked directly at todd, who had decided to sit across from neil.

“everyone told me i was really good that night, and maybe they were right, but i can’t- i don’t remember. all i know is my father came and took me home that night and- and it wasn’t good. i know you know he wasn’t a good parent to me but i never told you how he acted when he found me.”

“where did he find you? what did you do?”

“it was really stupid! i was so stupid... i used a steak knife on my arm in the hopes i would go too far with it. _god_ , he hated me after that.”

“you... you...”

“yea, i did. wasn’t the last time, but i promise i haven’t done it since i met you.”

“but what- why?”

“i was an idiot.”

“are you an idiot right now?”

“what?”

“knox didn’t want you to relapse, so i’m assuming you were at least considering it.”

“it would’ve been a mistake.”

todd reached his hand over to neil’s and held it lightly. it was something the two of them did when they were stressed out by something, as a means to say they weren’t alone. another song played on the laptop, this time by taylor swift.

“is it why you left me on read before? did i do something to upset you?”

“it’s not your fault, it’s mine.”

“ _whatever_ it is, i’m here.”

neil gave a soft smile and nodded.

“maybe we’re both idiots. maybe we’re too oblivious and stupid. you said you wanted both of us to tell our mystery boys that we liked them but... i did. jokingly, i guess.”

“what did he- wait. you- you were being serious?”

“yea. and listen, i get it if i’m not your-“

neil was silenced by todd pulling him closer and kissing him, only briefly but enough to make his point.

“i love you.”

“i love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise it's not all downhill from here I PROMISE
> 
> music references: 
> 
> chapter title is from anaheim by nicole zefanya  
> the sufjan stevens song playing is concerning the ufo sighting near highland, illinois  
> the radiohead song playing is bullet proof... i wish i was  
> the taylor swift song playing is exile ft. bon iver


	8. sometimes i worry that i'm just another migraine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !! tw for slight homophobia bc we all know todd has the world's worst parents

**neil perry**

okay

you’re listening to SKIN

so what’s up

**todd anderson**

jeff told everyone he’s engaged this morning

and i know my mom will call me and talk about it for hours

**neil perry**

tell her you can’t talk

you’re too busy with your new boyfriend :)

**todd anderson**

the day i come out to my mother is the day i listen to chipmunks unironically

so never

**neil perry**

chipmunks!!

wait

you never told me your parents didn’t know

mine hate me for it but what’s new

**todd anderson**

they aren’t really worried about me and who i date

**neil perry**

really??

how bad are they

**todd anderson**

they forget my birthday every year

and give me the same late gift too

as if i liked it the first time they bought it

**neil perry**

so you just haven't come out bc you think it wouldn't make a difference or???

**todd anderson**

no

i haven't come out bc i know they're homophobic

**neil perry**

oh

i’m sorry

**todd anderson**

it’s not terrible i guess

just can’t ever be myself around my family

**neil perry**

todd

if you’d told me this sooner i would’ve brought you home with me over break

**todd anderson**

i didn’t want to inconvenience you

and i’m used to it anyway

**neil perry**

next break we go on you’re coming home with me

and by that i mean we aren’t going to see my parents at all

we’re gonna kindly take money from them and book a hotel <3

**todd anderson**

do you always do that

**neil perry**

sometimes

mostly when it’s spring break or something and i had to stay back to “study”

which was code for doing stupid shit with charlie

and listening to him complain about how oblivious knox was before they got together

**todd anderson**

guess that's our dorm's thing

**neil perry**

well

can’t argue with that

**todd anderson**

do you think i’ll even get invited to the wedding

**neil perry**

you’re his brother

i would assume yes

**todd anderson**

you’re gonna be my plus one then

i don’t care if i’m not even out to them

**neil perry**

okay

i’ll convince jeff to get a DJ so we can listen to taylor and cry

**todd anderson**

jeff is like. the straightest guy you’ll ever meet

and he loves taylor swift

**neil perry**

must be his home state pride

**todd anderson**

OH YEA

she’s from PA isn’t she

shitty home state twins <3

**neil perry**

let’s just hire her to play the wedding

**todd anderson**

CAN YOU IMAGINE

i think i’d die

**neil perry**

let me just pull some imaginary strings and make it happen

**todd anderson**

you’re the best neil <3

**neil perry**

i try

now go listen to speak now

i have some comments

**todd anderson**

anything for you honey

<3

**neil perry**

honey 😳

...❤️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references: 
> 
> title is from celadon by rav + kill bill: the rapper + scuare  
> skin is by rav + kill bill: the rapper + scuare  
> the chipmunks reference is those covers (alvin and the) chipmunks did of 80s songs. if you're really curious just look up chipmunks on 16 speed. idk how else to describe it lmao  
> speak now is by taylor swift
> 
> additional note: yes i am projecting onto todd 100%. i also am making a hc that the andersons originally lived in PA.  
> and i'm not the world's biggest taylor fan but it's like the one cool thing being from PA when she's also from here. does that make sense? no? okay


	9. fill your heart and soul with tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what this is. but todd calling neil honey is <3
> 
> this chapter is brought to you by bbc atlantis bc i just finished it and i’m sad

**neil perry**

toddyyyyy

**todd anderson**

neilyyyyy

i know you're drunk

and we're sitting across from each other

**neil perry**

oh yea

hey you look really cute

**todd anderson**

you too honey

since you want to text me what's your song choice rn

**neil perry**

test drive!!!

**todd anderson**

good choice

**neil perry**

wait todd

toddddddd

don’t leave me

:(

**todd anderson**

i’m still in front of you

but let me ask you something

are you sad drunk or happy drunk

**neil perry**

💗 wait no

💙

fuck

SIRI PUT A BROKEN HEART EMOJI

💔 – Sent with Siri

**todd anderson**

i’m glad you have your dumb moments

**neil perry**

i am dumb

?

**todd anderson**

yes

big dummy

**neil perry**

:(

meanie

**todd anderson**

love you too

is it alright if i grab you some water?

**neil perry**

no don’t leave me

**todd anderson**

the kitchen is right there

you can literally turn around and watch me

**neil perry**

but he’ll

**todd anderson**

what

**neil perry**

i can’t lose you

**todd anderson**

you won’t

why are you so worried about losing me to the gods if i get you some water??

are you sure you’re just drunk and not. idk. hallucinating or something??

**neil perry**

he was here

knox said he was here

**todd anderson**

you mean pittsie?

he came over to help knox with something earlier

**neil perry**

no

it was my dad

he was here

**todd anderson**

when???

i haven't seen your dad in months

and he never comes to visit you

**neil perry**

idk he was. here

mad at me

yelling

**todd anderson**

oh honey

i think that was just a bad dream

you were napping earlier

**neil perry**

are you sure

**todd anderson**

yes

i wouldn't lie to you

**neil perry**

i love you toddy

**todd anderson**

i love you too

now can i get you water?

**neil perry**

only if you put some niki on

**todd anderson**

deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from i will sing you songs by my morning jacket  
> test drive is by joji


	10. live through this, and you won't look back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if it wasn't obvious i am 100% projecting my own atlantis rewatch onto the boys bc it bothers me that a show so good got cancelled :/ but if you like greek mythology and such i really recommend it!!!

**todd anderson**

what do you wanna get for tonight?

**neil perry**

ooh

some wine would be nice

even though we’re technically underage still ❤️

popcorn and cheetos!!

if no wine then at least some lemonade or something

**todd anderson**

good choices

do you have it set up yet

**neil perry**

i’m working on it

vibing to some metronomy rn

are all of us watching together?

**todd anderson**

of course

who would want to miss watching a show as wondrous as atlantis??

**neil perry**

BBC, apparently

**todd anderson**

:/

don’t remind me

**neil perry**

ooh wait

what about oreos

**todd anderson**

the regular ones or

**neil perry**

the birthday cake ones 😌

**todd anderson**

birthday cake??

okay

**neil perry**

thank you love <3333

**todd anderson**

anything for you honey

**neil perry**

what do you think S2 will be like

will the straights get a happy ending??

**todd anderson**

they always do

but i think they’ll take forever to get there

**neil perry**

how else would they entertain us

**todd anderson**

jason will go shirtless for one second and they have you drooling

**neil perry**

did you have to call me out like that

**todd anderson**

yes :)

but i can’t deny jason is attractive

he’s no neil perry but he is something

**neil perry**

😳

that’s hard to believe

**todd anderson**

he might be fuckin ripped but he’s like......the biggest himbo of them all

and you have way more personality than him

but hey we all have daddy issues am i right <333

**neil perry**

.............

i’m going to pretend i did not just see you typed out daddy issues

and listen to eternally even until you return

**todd anderson**

you’re gonna listen to jim james without me??

:(

**neil perry**

then hurry home

:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from your ex-lover is dead by stars  
> the metronomy song in question is the light  
> eternally even is by jim james


	11. confetti rainfall in a quiet street

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is purely inspired by me getting mario kart on the switch for a late christmas present  
> and this chapter is to make up for a sad chapter coming soon :)

**neil perry**

do we have mario kart??

**todd anderson**

i think so

idk though

you wanna play mario kart later?

**neil perry**

well you know i have a paper to write

but i can't write the entire thing in one sitting

so why not take a break and play mario kart

**todd anderson**

as long as i get to be isabelle

**neil perry**

i'll be yoshi then

**todd anderson**

regular yoshi??

blue yoshi??

which one

**neil perry**

there's a pink one right

**todd anderson**

probably

**neil perry**

then pink yoshi it is

**todd anderson**

you'd look cute in pink

**neil perry**

you think so?

i mean i can test that

i have an old pink tee buried somewhere in the dresser

**todd anderson**

if you aren't wearing that when i get done with class i'm making us only do rainbow road courses

**neil perry**

bold

if i can find it i promise i'll be wearing it

**todd anderson**

who do you think knox and charlie will play as

**neil perry**

knox would choose someone like waluigi

and charlie would pick wario so they could be the annoying duo

**todd anderson**

maybe we should be a duo too

like we both be princesses or something

**neil perry**

but yosh :(

**todd anderson**

fine

we’ll be the non-human duo

**neil perry**

the unsung heroes duo

**todd anderson**

i miss when people didn't hate on isabelle for bein nice

it's not her fault mr nintendo wanted to make her a little boring :(

**neil perry**

she's still adorable so those losers can stfu

**todd anderson**

neil perry said isabelle rights you heard it here first!!

**neil perry**

oh

well todd anderson's spotify said nugu rights!!

**todd anderson**

forgot you stalk me in the friend activity

either way nugu groups are cool

don't deny it

**neil perry**

hey i'm not denying anything

you know i listen to QOS

their range is so 🤩

**todd anderson**

you know

i hear you singing along sometimes

and it's really cute

**neil perry**

oh dear god

did you hear when i was singing along to their christmas covers??

**todd anderson**

yes

**neil perry**

bye

**todd anderson**

:/

rude

**neil perry**

you can't say i have a nice voice

**todd anderson**

are you kidding me???

why do you think i ask you sometimes at night to tell me a story or read a poem or just anything

why do you think i want to hear your voice

**neil perry**

i figured it was because you like me

is that not it??

**todd anderson**

some nights i start thinking about everything and it sucks

i get really anxious and scared

and the one thing that calms me down is your voice

your presence helps too

knowing you're next to me

knowing you're closer to the door so if we get attacked i won't be first <3

**neil perry**

thanks

i'm glad i can do that for you though

**todd anderson**

me too :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references: 
> 
> title is from chase this light by jimmy eat world  
> nugu is a reference to lesser-known kpop groups  
> QOS (queens of sound) is a kpop group


	12. are you truly in love, absolutely in love?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not sure if there should be a tw for this but mrs. anderson is overall a horrible parent here :)

**neil perry**

todd

toddy

where are you

your class ended an hour ago

what’s going on

**todd anderson**

sorry

my mom called

said she wanted to have lunch with me today

i know it’ll just make things worse

**neil perry**

i can join you

make it less awkward

**todd anderson**

she wouldn’t want that

as much as i would love to have you there

**neil perry**

well screw what she wants

she shouldn’t treat you the way she does

neither should your dad

**todd anderson**

i know

but i can’t stand up to them

if i do it won’t make a difference

**neil perry**

i’ll make sure it makes a difference

where does she want to get lunch

**todd anderson**

tony’s

the italian place down the street

**neil perry**

shit

we eatin fancy today

**todd anderson**

neil

**neil perry**

i won’t let you sit there with her alone

just tell her i invited myself

i’m sure she’ll assume you didn’t tell me no

**todd anderson**

if she says anything about us i don’t know what i’d do

**neil perry**

if she makes a comment we’ll leave :)

i don’t have time for ignorant homophobes

**todd anderson**

i don’t know how to thank you for this

**neil perry**

you can watch me play some animal crossing and put whatever music you want on

**todd anderson**

sounds like a plan

can you be at tony’s in half an hour?

**neil perry**

of course

i love you toddy

**todd anderson**

i love you neil

* * *

neil could immediately tell mrs. anderson was putting on her best “it’s good to see you!” smile while she was mentally judging her own son for bringing his backpack into such a fancy restaurant.

“how are you, mr. perry?” she asked, not once looking away from todd, who was desperately trying to shove his bag under the table.

“i’m doing good, mrs. anderson. and you?”

“just fine, darling.”

“what brings you into town?”

“oh, i just wanted to see todd for a moment. it felt easier to do this in person, over the phone is much too informal.”

neil nodded and forced a smile, looking at the menu for a distraction. he also wanted to order the most expensive food, because he wasn’t the one paying.

“todd, my dear, you know your brother is engaged to be married, yes?”

“uh, y-yes, mother,” todd could barely speak. he had suddenly reverted back to the boy neil met the first day they moved into the dorm.

“well, it is in our best interests that we give jeffery the best wedding possible. your father and i are selling the house, and we’ll be moving to virginia. i presume we’ll be there by the end of the month, and then we’ll start on the wedding preparations.”

“y-you... you’re moving? but what- what about me?”

“oh, todd, you’ll stay here, of course. you like living in that dorm of yours, yes?”

“i-i’m not allowed to spend the summer here-”

“then you’ll need to rent a hotel room. your housing is up to you, it is no longer my concern.”

“but-”

“i cannot negotiate this with you. we’ve already found someone to buy the house. anything you’ve left there will be... discarded.”

neil set the menu down and stared directly at mrs. anderson.

“excuse me, mrs. anderson, but why are you so insistent on forgetting you have two sons? why do you treat todd like he’s not your own?”

“mr. perry, you have no right to accuse me of such a thing!”

“with all due respect, i think i do. i live with todd, i know him far better than you ever have, and i know he feels neglected by you. your only affection goes toward jeff, and todd never stood a chance.”

“if i have treated him poorly it is only because jeffery is far more open with us, and he is content with carrying on his father’s wishes. todd’s only desire is to become an author, completely turn against his father’s wants, and live with boys like you. if you feel we have abandoned him, take a moment and see that it is quite the opposite.”

“you’re... unbelievable.”

“i’m sorry?”

“i wanted to come here because i knew you’d try to pull something over todd. and i can’t just sit by and let it happen to him any longer. i for one think it’s a great thing you’re moving away and abandoning your son, because i never want to see you here again.”

"what gives you the right to speak to me this way?"

"look, mrs. anderson, i'm not going to tell you how to be a parent, but you should at least acknowledge your favoritism. don't just... _assume_ todd is better off because he's nothing like jeff."

"no wonder he doesn't listen to us, he's friends with you."

"he doesn't listen to you because-"

"neil, please," todd mumbled, grabbing neil's hand underneath the table. neil saw the pleading in his eyes and let go of whatever he was about to say.

"my apologies, mrs. anderson. i won't disrespect you any longer, but with that being said, todd and i have to go."

"you didn't even eat any-"

"we're very busy people. see you at the wedding!"

neil led todd outside and they sat on a bench nearby, with neil trying not to start screaming and todd trying to stay as calm as possible.

"i'm sorry for calling her out, but i couldn't just sit there and let her talk that way to you. i dealt with it far too much at home."

"they're... they're leaving me here. i-i don't have a home anymore."

"come live with me."

"i couldn't ask that of you."

"i wouldn't mind having you around, you know. and if my parents have a problem with it they'll just have to deal with it."

"you really wouldn't mind?"

"todd, i love you. of course i wouldn't mind."

"thank you."

"sorry we didn't stay to eat but i'm sure charlie could make us something. i think he's trying to be america's next best chef or something, probably to impress knox."

"at least he's good at it."

"you wanna go back and play animal crossing?"

"of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the internal struggle of not knowing if it's jeffery or jeffrey anderson :')
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from hag by band of horses


	13. if you had not have fallen, then i would not have found you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> man idk what this chapter is and i've just realized i have no idea where this is going or when i'll end it. but this is purely projection and i don't think i meant to make jeff this bad of a dude but hey. i don't know what it's like to have a good relationship with a sibling who is older and vastly more successful than me <3

**neil perry**

hey

i saw jeff was calling you before

what did he want?

**todd anderson**

i didn’t answer

i don’t want to talk to him

**neil perry**

maybe he disagrees with what your parents are doing

**todd anderson**

no

it was his idea

him and his perfect little fiancée

**neil perry**

is he really that bad

**todd anderson**

when they were moving into their house i was dragged along to help

and my anxiety was through the roof

but i knew if i mentioned that they’d just tell me i was making excuses to not help carry boxes out

so i sat in the corner pretending to do something on my phone just to try to calm down

but jeff didn’t like that

and he took the opportunity to scream at me for being stupid and selfish

that i should’ve just stayed in my room and isolated myself from everyone so they wouldn’t be so miserable seeing me

neil he told me if i didn’t want to help i should just die

and he meant it wholeheartedly

**neil perry**

i’m so sorry

i knew he was bad but not that bad

tbh

you shouldn’t even go to his wedding

**todd anderson**

he’s my brother

**neil perry**

so???

he’ll never show you genuine emotion

you deserve better than that

**todd anderson**

maybe so

but maybe he can change

maybe some part of him is capable of that

**neil perry**

no he's not

you know he's not

if you could leave your family behind i know you would in an instant

and i'm sorry you're stuck with them

but seriously

you don't owe your brother anything

you don't owe your parents anything

if you don't go to this wedding and they make a deal about it i'll call them out

i'll make sure they never fuck with you again

**todd anderson**

neil it's not that bad

**neil perry**

not that bad???

i've heard you cry yourself to sleep because you just got back from break and they didn't once acknowledge you

if that isn't bad i don't know what is

**todd anderson**

i don't wanna talk about this anymore

can we just... talk about clarity or something??

**neil perry**

of course

you wanna listen to it together?

**todd anderson**

if you're not busy

**neil perry**

i'm never busy <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from angel flying too close to the ground by willie nelson (hello anderperry vibes???)  
> clarity is by jimmy eat world


	14. you can still survive, but not exactly live

**neil perry**

y'know i was expecting you to be waiting for me when i got out of the shower but charlie said you ran out of here

todd??

**todd anderson**

sorry

i had to get out of there

**neil perry**

something happen?

**todd anderson**

just overwhelmed myself

thought about everything going on y’know

and i’m not comfortable enough with you to just waltz in the bathroom and talk to you when i know you’re naked

**neil perry**

fair

but you could’ve talked to charlie

i know you told them what happened but they’re still a little lost on it

he would’ve helped as much as he could

**todd anderson**

i know

i guess it’s just easier with you because you saw it for yourself

**neil perry**

i completely understand

what are you listening to rn?

bc i know you aren’t just walking around campus in silence

**todd anderson**

jimmy eat world

surviving

the album not the song

the song would be 555

**neil perry**

well that’s good

at least you’re not listening to invented or damage

we’d have some problems then

**todd anderson**

hey they’re good albums

**neil perry**

oh i know

but if you listen to them you’re automatically depressed i don’t make the rules :)

**todd anderson**

you aren't wrong though

**neil perry**

are you going to stay outside for a while

**todd anderson**

i don't want to bother you with all of this

i know i'm being really annoying about it

**neil perry**

todd no

you aren't being annoying

being abandoned by your family is not something i'd expect anyone to be okay with

if you need to talk about it you can

i won't ever be bothered by that

**todd anderson**

it's just

i know they didn't care before

but leaving me here??

i never expected they could be such assholes

**neil perry**

i know

it's not fair

but maybe this is an opportunity for you to finally be free of them

whether or not you decide to go to jeff's wedding is up to you

but after that you don't have to keep in contact with them

they don't deserve your attention anymore

**todd anderson**

wow

thank you for that

**neil perry**

of course

you know i'd do anything for you

**todd anderson**

i appreciate that a lot

<3

**neil perry**

when you get back can we do some island tours in animal crossing

i wanna get a new villager

**todd anderson**

hell yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from surviving by jimmy eat world  
> surviving, 555, damage, and invented are by jimmy eat world


	15. my world is sinking, and i am the captain of it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter is short. and everyone just knows todd is going through it rn he has a terrible poker face

**neil perry**

hey sorry if i'm waking you

and sorry i'm not next to you

but i just

i went to the store and looked around for some coffee things

and i saw keating just smiling contently at the section of tea bags

so i of course said hi

he said he was on a late-night snack run for his wife

and then he asked what i was doing there

but i don’t know what i was doing

anyway he asked how you were doing since you haven’t really talked much in class

i didn’t tell him anything you wouldn’t want him to know but i think he’s gonna give you a little more time for the essay

**todd anderson**

is that all you woke me up for

**neil perry**

todd!!!

sorry

i’m a little tipsy

and you know i talk a lot when i’m tipsy

**todd anderson**

is something wrong that you’re out at midnight???

when have you ever gone to the store at midnight for coffee???

**neil perry**

okay so maybe i needed to take a walk

in the middle of the night

and not tell anyone where i was going

while listening to currents

**todd anderson**

your dad called

am i right

**neil perry**

maybe

**todd anderson**

did you tell him we’re together

**neil perry**

no

he wouldn’t care

he’d still hate me just as much as when i was single

he just wanted to talk about jeff’s wedding

apparently your parents want to invite my parents

i didn’t know they were such good friends

**todd anderson**

now we really aren’t going to that stupid wedding

can we just stay home and watch a bunch of cheesy romcoms together instead

**neil perry**

that sounds wonderful

just the two of us or?

**todd anderson**

all of us

not just charlie and knox

but meeks and pitts too

**neil perry**

alright

sounds like a plan to me

**todd anderson**

are you planning on coming back any time soon?

**neil perry**

well

i'm sitting on a chair in the patio section

outside

so idk

it's really cold but it's just. comfy

**todd anderson**

don't die of hypothermia please <3

**neil perry**

if you're really concerned send charlie to come get me

**todd anderson**

um

they'd only encourage you to stay outside

**neil perry**

then get the responsible one

**todd anderson**

okay

i expect you to come back and wake me up again with your giggling and shit

**neil perry**

you know drunk me so well <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cameron isn't really there because?? idk i don't know how to write him  
> oh also!! if you see me alternate between he and they for charlie it's just my hc that he'd use he/they
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from royal screw up by soccer mommy  
> currents is by tame impala


	16. i can't take the pressure and it's starting to show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> keating makes them choose a poem that they can really relate to, no matter how stupid/important it may be.

**todd anderson**

did you figure out what poem you're doing yet

i wanted to use a thomas hardy one

**neil perry**

oh!

would keating accept a bo burnham poem

**todd anderson**

depends on what it is

**neil perry**

i wanna go with either "hanged" or "ashley"

**todd anderson**

are you okay

**neil perry**

yea!! i just really love those ones

hanged is like. how i felt back then

and ashley is how i feel now

not everyday but i have my moments

**todd anderson**

you'd tell me if you weren't okay though right

cause if you went with hanged

idk man

i don't think about it often bc you said it was in the past

but i sometimes wonder if you've felt that way when you're with me and just never said anything

**neil perry**

you'd be the first to know if i wanted to do that again

i promise

**todd anderson**

thank you

**neil perry**

what thomas hardy poem did you want to use?

**todd anderson**

oh

it's "a night in november"

idk why

it kind of reminds me of going home for thanksgiving last year

before i ever knew you liked me back

i wished more than anything you could've been there

and we could've been less stupid about our feelings

like the last line

"and saying at last you knew!"

it fits don't you think

**neil perry**

oh yea 100%

i felt that way too

though my thanksgiving was a little worse than that

but who has time to unpack all of that

**todd anderson**

i think you should go with hanged

**neil perry**

why

**todd anderson**

because i know you

i know you haven't told anyone outside of our mutual friends about what happened

and i know how it feels to bottle things up and never speak of them because you're afraid people will reject you once they know who you really are

i also know that by telling other people how you feel it doesn't seem as bad

it might still be horrible and unbearable at times but at least you know you aren't entirely alone y'know??

**neil perry**

yea

i get that completely

thank you for your input

i hope yours goes over well with keating

i know he knows about us but you were really closed off back then

**todd anderson**

don't remind me

but i'm sure he'd love it

just be prepared if he wants to ask you why you chose yours

**neil perry**

duh

you think i'd go in there without an analysis of why it fits my situation??

**todd anderson**

sometimes i don't know about you hon

**neil perry**

hon??

okay

planning my funeral now

**todd anderson**

😐

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> both "hanged" and "ashley" are poems from bo burnham's book egghead!!! feel free to look them up and read them to feel less confused about todd's reaction
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from waking up by elastica


	17. and i'm savin' all the bold lines, i'll say 'em while you sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !! small tw for references to relapsing/suicide attempt

**neil perry**

todd

what are you doing rn

**todd anderson**

on my way to class why

what’d you do

**neil perry**

what makes you think i did something

am i not allowed to text my wonderful boyfriend???

**todd anderson**

you normally don’t text me when i have class and you don’t

**neil perry**

okay well maybe i missed you

**todd anderson**

you saw me before i left

**neil perry**

for ten seconds

**todd anderson**

hey it’s not my fault you sleep in

but really what’s up

**neil perry**

idk

i was listening to moonchild for a bit

started thinking about you

like. when i introduced you to zephyr

and you were like !!!!!

we were still avoiding our feelings of course

but i remember it felt so nice to just

make someone happy like that

**todd anderson**

when you showed me spell i honestly thought you were trying to imply something

but then i shut myself down bc why would you want to do that with me

**neil perry**

god we’re both so fucked up

somehow i wouldn’t want it any other way

but i think that’s stupid

to be scared of getting better because the pain starts to feel comforting somehow

.......even though i am that

**todd anderson**

i know

sometimes i think i’ll never escape what my family put me through

and then i look at my phone screen and see that stupid picture of you and i at the halloween party as my wallpaper and i think how lucky i am

seeing you makes me have hope that i can actually do this

that i can get out of here alive and be who i want and make a name for myself

that i’m not just jeff’s shadow anymore

so yea pain might be comforting because it’s what you know

but you owe it to yourself to at least try

**neil perry**

wait you made that your wallpaper???

todd

**todd anderson**

yes but don’t change the subject <3

**neil perry**

fine

i know what you’re saying

being here is actually what i considered to be “trying”

after the night of the play i didn’t want to do anything for myself

i was ready to just give up on what i wanted because that night made it so much harder to be able to do anything

but then my parents wanted me to at least go to college

if i wanted to do my own thing that was fine, so long as i had a degree to fall back on

and let me tell you todd it was not easy getting here

i’m so fucking grateful for meeting you here and having you in my life

but if it weren’t for charlie’s constant caring and trying to help me we never would’ve met

i mean

you know i haven’t relapsed since before we met

it was bad

hospital bad

or it would’ve been if i had actually gone to one

**todd anderson**

wait

you tried it more than once?

**neil perry**

yes

but only twice

**todd anderson**

you promise you haven’t done anything?

**neil perry**

i promise

**todd anderson**

thank you

class is about to start but you can keep texting

just don’t freak out if i don’t reply right sway

i don’t want to be yelled at today

**neil perry**

okay

well

i was freaking out about getting textbooks

they seemed way too expensive to be able to afford them

and then my dad wanted to argue that i could afford it so i was stressed even more

ended up not getting the books

charlie got them for me bc his parents are outrageously rich

and that night i had the worst fucking panic attack of my life

i didn’t even know what was going on

i just saw something around me i could use and i relapsed

not proud of it but i felt so scared

i was afraid of what would happen if i had made my parents pay for the initial costs and such only to drop out

needless to say i never found out

charlie was trying everything they could to convince me going to college would help me get away and be myself

and he was right

being here has been the best thing to happen to me

some days it doesn't feel like it

most days i just want to stay in bed and play animal crossing all day

but then i think about you and it's not so bad

i've never been in love before but it feels okay knowing you love me too

i'm getting cheesy i'll shut up

**todd anderson**

wow a whole essay 🙄

jkjk

thank you for telling me

i'm glad you can trust me with this

gotta go now for real

but hey

i love you

go put on some paramore :)

**neil perry**

ooh pmore

alright

i love you too toddy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from strange land by niki (the acoustic ver.)  
> spell, zephyr, and moonchild are by niki


	18. so what do people sing about once they finally found it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to write a charlie and todd chapter because it just felt right

**todd anderson**

hey

you busy?

**charlie dalton**

not particularly no

why

**todd anderson**

i wanted to ask you about something

**charlie dalton**

okay

what’s up

**todd anderson**

is it wrong of me to be so overwhelmed right now

about neil and my parents and everything

**charlie dalton**

no

i can’t see how you wouldn’t be stressing out right now

what’s overwhelming you about neil though

what happened

**todd anderson**

he really opened up to me earlier

about what happened before we met

and how you helped him

which is great. like i’m not complaining about that

it’s just

i wish he didn’t have to go through that

and i know dealing with that isn’t something that just goes away when you want it to

i’ve never felt suicidal but some days my anxiety is so terrible i don’t understand why i’m not alone

some days it’s like i’m just so goddamn unimportant to everyone

but that shit doesn’t leave when neil gets back from class and gives that smile of his

i still think about it even as he’s holding me close at night

wondering why i’m ever there in the first place

sorry i went off there

**charlie dalton**

don’t be sorry

i’m glad you can let it out somewhere

and you know neil loves you

he’s loved you since the day you met

he used to be much worse than he is now

i helped a lot because i was annoying him everyday to try a little harder

but i still thought he was going to try something again

then he met you and became so preoccupied with you that the idea of dying had slipped from his mind for a while

and of course when he came to me about having a crush on you he was scared

his father never approved of him being gay and it made him worry that any guy he’d fall for would be just like his dad

that’s why it took a while for him to confess to you

wasn’t anything personal

as for what you’re going through??

i get it

my anxiety isn’t as bad as yours but i still have it from time to time

not like a “oh i’m doing a presentation in front of the whole class” kind of anxiety

more like yours, believe it or not

but don’t let that shit ruin you

don’t let it control everything

i know it’s hard but you can do that

**todd anderson**

what about my parents

what do you think i should do

**charlie dalton**

i say fuck em

if they want to abandon you for jeff then let them

keep taking their money though

they owe you that much at least

**todd anderson**

you can be surprisingly helpful

**charlie dalton**

i’m selectively nice

:)

**todd anderson**

i feel the love 🥰

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from trigger by hayley williams


	19. but if you hold me without hurting me, you'll be the first who ever did

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is 100% projection of my own experience, however with a vastly different outcome because todd deserves better than what i got. so uhh if my ex is somehow reading this, just don't

**todd anderson**

hey

i need to tell you something

**neil perry**

oh god

what’d you do

**todd anderson**

nothing!! nothing i swear

i just need you to know this

i don’t want to keep it from you

**neil perry**

okay what’s up

**todd anderson**

i don’t want you to automatically assume this means i don’t love you anymore

because i do

more than anything

**neil perry**

now you’re just scaring me

**todd anderson**

sorry

also sorry this is over text i wish i wasn’t scared to say it out loud

but i think i might be asexual

**neil perry**

oh todd

that’s great!!

**todd anderson**

what

**neil perry**

did you think i was going to break up with you???

**todd anderson**

i don’t know

i didn’t think you’d understand

i thought you’d be mad at me

like for not telling you before we got together

**neil perry**

todd

you don’t have to stick to one label forever

if you didn't understand it until now i'm not going to hold it against you

**todd anderson**

i know but this is kind of big

**neil perry**

it doesn’t change how i feel about you

i still love you

**todd anderson**

are you sure

bc i get it if you. idk. need sex in your life

**neil perry**

sex is overrated

i don’t need anything in my life except for you

...and father john misty

**todd anderson**

fair enough

i'm sorry i worried so much

i guess i should've known you'd be okay with it

**neil perry**

listen todd

i'm not your parents and i'm not mine

there are people that will accept you for who you are

and hey

if you later on tell me you aren't ace but you're something like demisexual i'll still love you

i won't stop loving you just because you're questioning labels

**todd anderson**

thank you

god i love you neil

i'm so happy i have you

oh my god

the librarian is giving me weird looks bc you made me cry

**neil perry**

at least they're happy tears

?

**todd anderson**

yes

super happy tears

**neil perry**

good

let the librarian stare daggers at you all she wants then

**todd anderson**

:')

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from cinnamon girl by lana del rey


	20. one more hour and you'll know your life is one to share

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is purely random and idk what it's meant to be but here you go

**neil perry**

i’m not saying that tame impala is my new obsession

but tame impala is my new obsession

**todd anderson**

tame impala has been your obsession since 2018

what are you on about now

**neil perry**

well yea

but don’t you ever have an artist that you listen to their whole discography but sometimes overlook an album because you like something else more

**todd anderson**

all the time

**neil perry**

i listened to the slow rush again

and i actually really love it

i know it reminds me of pretty much everything going on back when it came out but

it's a really good album

**todd anderson**

so you're revisiting an album that makes you think of your father being in the hospital because??

**neil perry**

because i'm trying to make myself think about other things when i listen to it

and how do you remember he was in the hospital

**todd anderson**

because every single time you played it might be time you were like "oh this reminds me of when dad was in the hospital"

and for as long as i've known you he's only been in the hospital once

**neil perry**

my mom told me he was there again today

idk what for

she wouldn't say

she has a tendency to leave details out to spare me of being upset i guess

**todd anderson**

do you think it's serious

**neil perry**

no

i think he's overexaggerating whatever it is

**todd anderson**

well you know we're here if you need anything

i know he's an ass but he's still family

and funerals are never fun

**neil perry**

but this one has potential!!

**todd anderson**

out of context that sounds horrible

but knowing it's a zach stone reference makes it okay

**neil perry**

i can't believe you didn't know about zach stone before we met

it's the world's best cancelled-too-soon show

**todd anderson**

i knew about bo but not the show 😐

but yes i'm mad it was cancelled

**neil perry**

should we rewatch it

**todd anderson**

we both have papers to write

**neil perry**

but it's only twelve episodes

:(

**todd anderson**

fine

but only if you don't pretend to be a chef again

**neil perry**

deal!!! deal deal deal!!!

i'm gonna pick up our food and then we're binging the whole show

**todd anderson**

love you <3

**neil perry**

love you too toddy <333

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from one more hour by tame impala  
> the slow rush and it might be time are from tame impala
> 
> p.s. zach stone is gonna be famous was a super short-lived show with a hell of a lot of secondhand embarrassment but it's a great show. and the reference they make is from the pilot episode, and todd saying he doesn't want neil to pretend to be a chef is in reference to the episode where zach attempts to become a famous chef


	21. i really thought you were the morning star, lying right next to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was partly written while "watching" the super bowl so if it feels like my attention span was not 100% i am sorry

**neil perry**

uh oh

i see graham coxon playing

what’s wrong now

**todd anderson**

let me listen to TEOTFW soundtrack in peace

**neil perry**

please

there’s something in the way that you cry?

you don’t listen to that when you’re happy

what’s wrong

**todd anderson**

i’m

panic

**neil perry**

you’re panic???

what

**todd anderson**

panic attack

earlier

**neil perry**

in the library??

you okay??

**todd anderson**

i think

maybe not

**neil perry**

you want me to come down there and sit with you?

**todd anderson**

no

okay maybe

**neil perry**

what caused the panic attack

**todd anderson**

i don't know

i was looking for something for my stupid business class and it just happened

i don't think anyone was paying attention though

**neil perry**

okay

oh hey btw

my dad is fine

i guess they just wanted to do a checkup

**todd anderson**

a checkup at the hospital??

wack

**neil perry**

since when do you say wack

**todd anderson**

since 1992

**neil perry**

you were not born in 1992

**todd anderson**

i've been saying wack since birth though :(

**neil perry**

you're wack

but the good kind

**todd anderson**

didn't know there was a good wack

but okay

are you coming like. today or what

**neil perry**

sorry i'm slow

i'm on my way

**todd anderson**

honey you're slower than a turtle

**neil perry**

i have my moments thank you very much

**todd anderson**

"moments" more like your whole life

**neil perry**

:/

you're so loving when you're emotionally exhausted

**todd anderson**

sorry

my bad

could you maybe stop and get me some coffee <3

**neil perry**

only if we can listen to clean :)

**todd anderson**

deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> realized i haven’t plugged anything yet so hey if you wanna follow me on tumblr/twitter/instagram/etc my user is the same (datahearts) feel free to message me or smth on any of those <3
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from she left the light on by graham coxon  
> there's something in the way that you cry is by graham coxon  
> TEOTFW is a netflix show (also a graphic novel) + the soundtrack was done by graham coxon  
> clean is an album by soccer mommy


	22. you seem so comfortable in your skin, while mine never seems to fit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> neil is very depressed and charlie talks him through it :)

**neil perry**

do you ever think about how people would love to leave you but they don’t because they don’t want to be rude

**charlie dalton**

of course

but why you

**neil perry**

just that time of the week

my weekly breakdown ✨

**charlie dalton**

oh mood

**neil perry**

but really

would you leave me if i told you it wouldn’t be rude

**charlie dalton**

neil perry i could never leave you

you know too much shit about me 💔

**neil perry**

seriously

**charlie dalton**

i’m not kidding

i’d never leave you

none of us would

**neil perry**

you don’t think todd will get tired of me?

**charlie dalton**

no

god no

if you two don’t get married i think the world would combust

**neil perry**

i love him a lot char

but christ some days are so hard i don’t know why he’s still with me

**charlie dalton**

for the same reasons i’m still here

todd loves you

he loves being around you

you’re the only person he truly opens up to

it took him two weeks to tell the rest of us about his parents moving

i know it’s fucking hard to think you deserve him sometimes but trust me on this

**neil perry**

how mad do you think he’d be if i did something bad

**charlie dalton**

how bad

**neil perry**

idk

but i don’t think i’m okay right now

**charlie dalton**

then get your ass over here

we’ll watch high school musical

**neil perry**

high school musical??

**charlie dalton**

it’s got music

and it’s a lil dumb

the perfect combo for you

**neil perry**

fine

but can you make some bagel bites first

<3

**charlie dalton**

i can make actual food and you want bagel bites??

okay

anything for you

**neil perry**

love youuu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from time-tested by rav


	23. no one else wil have me, only you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was a whirlwind to write. but it was purely fueled by father john misty albums <3

**neil perry**

glad you’re back toddy

**todd anderson**

:/

we’re both sitting on the couch

you don’t wanna talk out loud??

**neil perry**

no

**todd anderson**

have you been crying

**neil perry**

what no

**todd anderson**

neil what’s wrong

you're listening to god's favorite customer don't tell me you're okay

**neil perry**

it's stupid

i'm stupid

**todd anderson**

whatever it is it's not stupid

and neither are you

**neil perry**

it's not as bad as what you're dealing with

i'm fine

**todd anderson**

no

we aren't doing that

we're not comparing shit

**neil perry**

but why would you care

**todd anderson**

?? because i love you

because we're friends

we're dating

do you want me to list them all

**neil perry**

sorry

**todd anderson**

no don’t be

i just want to help

because believe it or not, listening to we’re only people on loop is not therapy

**neil perry**

hey at least it’s affordable

**todd anderson**

you got me there

**neil perry**

you ever wonder what it would be like to having accepting parents

**todd anderson**

everyday

**neil perry**

before i actually came out there was an entire week where my father thought i was gay with no evidence supporting it

he just. gave me a big lecture about how he’d be okay with it and how i can trust him with that sort of thing

and you know from years of emotional hell i decided that wasn’t the time to come out

so i stayed quiet

the following week he was back to his regular self

criticizing anyone that was lgbt+ for no reason other than wanting to be a dick

but i thought if i came out to them it wouldn’t actually matter

i was so wrong

**todd anderson**

my parents do that too

criticize for no reason i mean

i’m sorry your parents don’t accept you

**neil perry**

knox told me his parents weren’t happy with him when he came out

said they wanted to kick him out but let him stay until he was out of school

because in their minds, bi people don’t get jobs

**todd anderson**

hm

i’ll have them know i’m gay and i have a job

**neil perry**

i’m sorry your parents are the kind of people they are

**todd anderson**

oh i’m fine with that

i don’t even have to see them anymore

**neil perry**

but you can't be yourself around them

like yea my parents aren't the greatest people to be around but at least they know

not trying to imply anything btw

just feel bad for you ig

**todd anderson**

i know

but if i never come out to them i won't be upset about it

**neil perry**

that’s fair

anyway sorry for being a bum

was completely unintentional

spotify was just like hey you’ve been listening to a lot of father john misty songs and your whole “on repeat” is just him!!

and i was like oh

this is depression <3

**todd anderson**

see this is why i worry

**neil perry**

would you rather i listen to hag on loop

**todd anderson**

...no

**neil perry**

alright then

you wanna listen to honeybear?

**todd anderson**

as long as i can play animal crossing

**neil perry**

of course :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from 23 by jimmy eat world  
> god's favorite customer, we're only people, and i love you, honeybear are by father john misty  
> hag is by band of horses


	24. 'cause you're made from the stars that we watched from your car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you know when you give something a title that has nothing to do with what you wrote? yea that's this one. also todd has a part time job at a coffee shop now bc of his parents leaving so <3

**neil perry**

how's the job going

**todd anderson**

not terrible ig

it's not really busy

**neil perry**

maybe i should come down and visit :)

**todd anderson**

don't you have a paper due tomorrow that you haven't started at all

**neil perry**

maybe

but charlie came home blasting jolene and i couldn't help but join them

**todd anderson**

so what are you doing now then

**neil perry**

listening to brand new eyes with knox

charlie's cooking something

**todd anderson**

i see

what would your chem prof think of you pulling a me tomorrow

**neil perry**

poems are different than papers honey

and i know how to bs my way through a chem paper

how do you think i made it to where i am today??

**todd anderson**

definitely not your looks and charm

**neil perry**

ouch

but thanks for implying i'm smart <3

**todd anderson**

of course

**neil perry**

when do you get off again??

**todd anderson**

7:30

**neil perry**

do you want charlie to make enough to have leftovers??

**todd anderson**

sure

**neil perry**

bold that you don't ask what he's making before agreeing to it

**todd anderson**

i trust charlie enough not to poison me

**neil perry**

very trustworthy

**todd anderson**

well at least they can cook

what can either you or i cook

**neil perry**

i can press buttons on the microwave

**todd anderson**

you're the next gordon ramsey

**neil perry**

i feel the love 🥰

**todd anderson**

my break's almost over so i'll see you later

love you

**neil perry**

love you too honey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from scorpio rising by soccer mommy  
> jolene is by dolly parton  
> brand new eyes is by paramore


	25. another un-innocent, elegant fall into the un-magnificent lives of adults

**todd anderson**

neil

can you kill me

**neil perry**

what no

why would you even ask

**todd anderson**

i have to spend the weekend with jeff

they want to torture me neil

**neil perry**

they do not want to torture you

at least that isn’t their intention

but why do you need to spend the weekend??

**todd anderson**

they want to do something for the wedding i think

idk

looking at venues or something

and jeff insisted i tag along

why does he hate me so much

**neil perry**

he doesn’t hate you

i doubt he even realizes you hate being around him

**todd anderson**

i can’t do this i don’t wanna do it

neil please

just put me out of my misery

**neil perry**

i know it’s gonna suck but i promise you’ll be okay

i’ll text you the entire time

send you music to listen to since you always have at least one earbud in

and when you get back we can be together

just the two of us

**todd anderson**

but you have plans with pittsie don’t you??

**neil perry**

oh yea

but he won’t mind

we’re just going to the mall to find a gift for meeks

third? anniversary for them

**todd anderson**

oh yea

good for them

**neil perry**

do you remember the date we got together

**todd anderson**

nope

do you

**neil perry**

no

but i guess we could just go through our messages and figure it out

**todd anderson**

oh yea

**neil perry**

so wait when do you have to leave then

tonight or tomorrow

**todd anderson**

dad’s coming tonight to pick me up

surprised he still remembers i exist

**neil perry**

would you mind if i made you a road mix <3

since the drive is over an hour

**todd anderson**

you’d make me a road mix??

neil 🥺

**neil perry**

of course i would!!!

plus i know you’d just play the same few songs the entire time because you haven’t figured out what the fuck your playlists are

**todd anderson**

listen

i finally looked at my profile and saw how horrendous it was

and then i thought about my eight followers and how they must think i’m unorganized

so i panicked

**neil perry**

as one of your followers i have to say i don’t think that

but it is funny when i see you in the friend activity listening to a playlist called “dumb”

**todd anderson**

don’t expose me like this

but please do make me a road mix

even if you are including chip on my shoulder again

**neil perry**

hey it’s a good song!!

**todd anderson**

i know

but you can’t just add it to every playlist

**neil perry**

why not :(

**todd anderson**

does it fit in the playlist you have full of songs that you listen to when you’re upset and want to remain upset

you know the one(s)

**neil perry**

probably not

and hey just because i have like five depression playlists doesn’t mean at least one of them couldn’t have chip on my shoulder

**todd anderson**

five?? i have more than five

**neil perry**

we can’t all be mentally stable

but um

sorry half the playlist is father john misty

<3

**todd anderson**

no no FJM is good

**neil perry**

here you go

[x](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3D3upj9i72NoCaLNwGZZJJ?si=-yOSDA1iQrqK5VjvPVs-6w)

**todd anderson**

that was fast

oh my god

slow show.

slow show!??

**neil perry**

slow show :)

**todd anderson**

slow show 😭

**neil perry**

i remember these things okay

**todd anderson**

YOU LOOKED SO GOOFY THAT NIGHT

**neil perry**

did i really

**todd anderson**

you looked like marty in bttf 3

**neil perry**

...it was a costume party

**todd anderson**

you were still cute though

and then they were like fuck it. playing the national

**neil perry**

and i jokingly asked you to dance with me

meanwhile i actually wanted to dance with you

but oh my god that night

i wish i could’ve confessed to you then

**todd anderson**

i almost did confess that night

charlie chose chaos and made me get drunk

i wanted to confess to you but you were already asleep by then and when i woke up i was like oh god. that would’ve been a nightmare

**neil perry**

well we’re a couple of idiots aren’t we

**todd anderson**

yes

but i’m glad we agree that slow show is our song based on that night

**neil perry**

wouldn’t be very us if it weren’t the national

**todd anderson**

true

hey would you mind if i called you before i go to sleep later

maybe fall asleep on the phone

**neil perry**

um yes???

i’d love that

**todd anderson**

<3 love you

**neil perry**

love you too <33333

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shameless self promo of my spotify @tothendofyou <3
> 
> when todd says neil looked like marty in bttf 3 he means the cowboy outfit he had from 1955
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from mistaken for strangers by the national  
> chip on my shoulder is from the legally blonde musical  
> slow show is by the national


	26. the longer i stay here, the longer there's no future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> attempted to do a longer chapter. went through various moods in the time i wrote it. idk what this is but enjoy

**todd anderson**

dad is listening to country music help

**neil perry**

aren’t you listening to your own music??

**todd anderson**

yes but he’s BLASTING it

who the hell blasts country music

**neil perry**

white people

**todd anderson**

true

what are you doing

**neil perry**

listening to niki

working on the art paper

**todd anderson**

i’m glad i finished that earlier i wouldn’t do it when i get back

**neil perry**

it’s a fucking drag honestly

like

grant really picked the worst topics

**todd anderson**

not his fault his wife came out as gay

i feel bad for him bc he’s so sweet

but good for her

**neil perry**

at least he doesn’t hate her for it

**todd anderson**

we love a good ally

even if he can be boring as hell

neil??

what are you leaving me on read for

**neil perry**

sorry

i saw your text and just

a huge wave of depression hit me

**todd anderson**

are you okay

are you there alone

**neil perry**

i’m fine

knox is here

charlie is somewhere who knows

**todd anderson**

i’m sorry i can’t be there with you

you can hug thor and pretend it’s me <3

**neil perry**

you took jamie with you right

**todd anderson**

of course

i never leave without him

**neil perry**

good

**todd anderson**

i can't believe you added walking the dog II to this playlist

**neil perry**

why

it's a good song :(

**todd anderson**

i know!!

i just think you're cute for including it

**neil perry**

you're cute for listening to it

**todd anderson**

no stop don't compliment me

**neil perry**

why not

you deserve it

**todd anderson**

dad's gonna see me smiling and bother me about it

so stfu

**neil perry**

i'd like to slap your dad

**todd anderson**

not while he's driving hon

**neil perry**

you're right

i'll slap him while he's sleeping

**todd anderson**

thanks <3

**neil perry**

so

pythacarus

**todd anderson**

oh my god

pythacarus

what about them

**neil perry**

oh idk

just thinking about how they had the greatest dynamic and only had like four eps together

**todd anderson**

y'know at least they didn't die

they were such a good gay couple i'm sad they got cancelled

**neil perry**

whoever played icarus is hot

**todd anderson**

neil

**neil perry**

todd

**todd anderson**

you're making it sound like you have a type

and that it's ancient greek himbos

**neil perry**

and what if it's true

**todd anderson**

then idk why you like me 🙄

**neil perry**

cause you're cute or whatever

**todd anderson**

"or whatever"

okay

**neil perry**

i'll slap you instead of your dad

**todd anderson**

please do

**neil perry**

since you said please

no <3

**todd anderson**

wow what a boyfriend you are

won't even slap me when i ask you to :(

**neil perry**

no but i will hug you :)

you really need it

**todd anderson**

how you gonna hug me when i'm out of the state

**neil perry**

i'll make it work

or i'll just give you the best hug ever when you get back

**todd anderson**

i really wish i didn't have to be here

i wish we could just be together and listen to slow songs

y'know like oldies and shit

and charlie would complain while knox just laughs about it

why can't we be doing that right now

**neil perry**

because your brother is an ass

we can do that when you get back though

if you want

**todd anderson**

really??

**neil perry**

yes

we'll listen to some ella fitzgerald

**todd anderson**

🥺

**neil perry**

okay but can we also watch breakfast at tiffany’s

**todd anderson**

fuck yes

**neil perry**

it’s funny

i look at you and think you wouldn’t enjoy old movies and then you prove me wrong by having an obsession with them

**todd anderson**

i just think they’re nice and simple

no unnecessary explosions or gunfights or anything

no need to be worried about anxiety attacks

just being content

**neil perry**

i know

i understand

plus the music is so beautiful??? how

**todd anderson**

omg

moon river though

**neil perry**

fucking moon river 😭

**todd anderson**

i’d love to dance with you to moon river

make the lighting in the dorm all dramatic

steal charlie’s speaker and play it on there

wear our pajamas bc suits are wack

**neil perry**

oh my god??

todd

we need to do that

turn the car around right now

i wanna dance with you 😠

**todd anderson**

wish i could

**neil perry**

hey remember when knox asked me to help him learn to dance because he was trying to impress charlie

**todd anderson**

how could i forget

he twisted his ankle trying to learn

**neil perry**

he should’ve picked someone who could actually dance to teach him

youtube tutorials don’t help every time

**todd anderson**

should’ve told him to go see meeks

that man can dance

**neil perry**

too bad he's a genius he'd make a great dancer

**todd anderson**

i'm sure pitts is content with him staying out of the spotlight

**neil perry**

i'm not

i mean i wanna do another play

but what is time

**todd anderson**

why don't you just. idk. use your free time to actually be in a play as opposed to playing the sims all night

**neil perry**

because

um

**todd anderson**

i feel like you should've been in the play they're doing rn

i know you couldn't audition but still

**neil perry**

stupid dad

but thanks for believing in me

**todd anderson**

ofc

oh god

dad actually tried to talk to me

**neil perry**

what did he say

**todd anderson**

the usual jeff's 100% better than me kind of comment

nothing special

**neil perry**

when is he going to realize you're better than jeff

why do they even act like that istg

**todd anderson**

they hate me <3

idk neil i think it's honestly because they gave up on parenting me

they raised jeff and then decided they were done being parents without realizing they had another kid to take care of

**neil perry**

i’m sorry

if i was allowed to i’d be with you right now

**todd anderson**

i just get so mad about it

i used to not care because i couldn’t do anything about it so i just accepted it

but then i met you and you made me believe in myself and i wanted to prove to them that i’m more than what they see but

well you know

**neil perry**

oh yea

your mom really ruined that weekend

**todd anderson**

anyway

i’m gonna let you do your paper and probably look up some pythacarus fics bc i can

**neil perry**

read the groundhog day one

idk what it’s called

but you’ll know it when you see it

**todd anderson**

thanks

i love you neil

i’ll text you when i get there

**neil perry**

i love you todd <33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the groundhog day fic in question is [ stop me if you've heard (lived) this one before ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661558)
> 
> when todd and neil are talking about thor and jamie they're referring to the stuffed animals they got each other from the aquarium ages ago and sleep with :)
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from so i'm growing old on magic mountain by father john misty  
> walking the dog II is by fun.  
> moon river is by audrey hepburn (ik there's a lot of different versions but this is the one they're referring to)


	27. and i promise i won't lie, we'll make it out alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if ever you read a chapter in this fic and think the andersons will be redeemed, you are sorely mistaken
> 
> shorter chapter bc i'm losing my mind <3

**todd anderson**

good mooooorning neilyyyy

**neil perry**

uh

good morning toddy

**todd anderson**

aren't you excited

i'm spending the day doing nothing

i came here for absolutely nothing!

**neil perry**

wdym

**todd anderson**

they went without me :)

dragged me all the way here only to leave without me

all because i woke up just as they were putting their shoes on

**neil perry**

so now what are you doing

**todd anderson**

listening to ballads 1 really loudly

trying to piss the neighbors off

made an omelet

**neil perry**

guess both of your parents went along?

**todd anderson**

yea

idk how long they'll be gone for but i'm actually glad i'm home alone

gives me a chance to avoid all of this for a while

**neil perry**

do you think you’ll have to do something with them later

like go out to dinner or something

**todd anderson**

i hope not

why, do you need something?

**neil perry**

oh no

just wanted to know in case you wanted company <3

**todd anderson**

oh don't worry

if i want any company you'll be the first one i call

**neil perry**

good :)

i have nothing to do today anyways

**todd anderson**

why don't you listen to blue brook and pretend you're in a play

you used to do that when we first met

**neil perry**

i miss doing that

wtf made you think about that???

**todd anderson**

idk

but it was really cute

you'd just put on some piano type music and get all dramatic

there were times you'd take your essay and turn it into a play just because it was fun

**neil perry**

god that was a good time in my life

but y'know classes just kept getting harder and i stopped bc i had no motivation anymore

**todd anderson**

maybe you should start doing it again

you could even listen to some project destati covers and do it

**neil perry**

project destati 😍

okay maybe i'll do that today

if you aren't texting me all day

🙄

**todd anderson**

fine i'll just play animal crossing without you

**neil perry**

rude

**todd anderson**

but seriously go be the dramatic bitch you were born to be

**neil perry**

charlie's already being dramatic for all of us

**todd anderson**

what are they doing

why is he even awake this early

**neil perry**

knox insisted they go on a day-long adventure

i think they're just going to the aquarium or something

but charlie is just complaining that it's so early

**todd anderson**

fair enough

**neil perry**

we should go on an aquarium date

we weren't dating last time

**todd anderson**

maybe we should

but maybe when we’re on break

**neil perry**

of course

**todd anderson**

hey is it bad that i’m now listening to why are you ok

**neil perry**

um

maybe

but it is a great album to blast

**todd anderson**

indeed

**neil perry**

what if i was a dramatic bitch but on facetime with you

**todd anderson**

you’d do that??

**neil perry**

well i don’t want you to get lonely

ik it’s probably really boring there

**todd anderson**

it is

talking to you makes it bearable though

**neil perry**

then give me like five minutes to look up a play and wait for charlie and knox to go and i’ll call you

**todd anderson**

okay <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from wanted u by joji  
> ballads 1 is by joji  
> blue brook is by peter sandberg  
> project destati is an artist that covers various kingdom hearts songs (i highly recommend giving them a listen if you like instrumental/soundtrack songs!!!)  
> why are you ok is by band of horses


	28. i cry to the moon and beg it to change me or rip me in two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !! tw for mild depression
> 
> wrote this both late at night and very early in the morning. if it sucks i am sorry

**neil perry**

sorry for being so quiet after we talked before

i just

i’m not feeling the best today

**todd anderson**

is it something i should be worried about

or are you like physically sick

**neil perry**

i feel like you’re waiting for an out

and i’m not implying you’re a bad person

i’m just

my brain wants me to believe i’m unlovable

**todd anderson**

oh

**neil perry**

don’t get me wrong

i love you todd

but some days i just don’t get why you love me

some days i think you’re just being nice to save me from being upset

**todd anderson**

well i promise i’m not

i promise i’m nice to you because i love you and you deserve to be treated nicely

i know it’s hard to believe sometimes

i think about it a lot

ik my parents will never really love me

but i want you to know that my feelings are true and genuine

i’m not looking for a way out

i want to be with you

**neil perry**

thank you

i guess i’m just thinking too much

**todd anderson**

it’s okay

you’re allowed to have days like this

i wish i could be there with you so we could just lie in bed all day and watch parks and rec or something

**neil perry**

have your parents come back yet??

**todd anderson**

yea a few minutes ago

they haven’t said anything to me

**neil perry**

god i hate them

do they even remember you’re there

**todd anderson**

oh yea

they’re doing what they do best

talking about me like i’m not here

**neil perry**

assholes

still gonna slap your dad

**todd anderson**

thank you <3

give me an album to listen to

or a playlist

**neil perry**

what’s the vibe

**todd anderson**

depressed loser wants to run away

**neil perry**

okay

uhhh

album wise - invented by jimmy

playlist wise - [kind of a downer](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/194Yr7mFlnMneqrmgSyQEg?si=ouww__1RTQOhVPHODBdXRQ)

**todd anderson**

omg yes

both good choices

**neil perry**

we could listen together if you want

**todd anderson**

yea alright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suuuper short chapter i know but i’ll make up for it i promise
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from gray light by soccer mommy  
> invented is by jimmy eat world


	29. how do i do what i do if i don't get nothing from you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> felt like trying out a (small) group chat dynamic between neil, charlie, todd, and knox bc i 100% believe they'd have a group chat for being roommates and complaining about who should clean or go grocery shopping or something like that

**charlie dalton**

nobody wanted to get more cocoa puffs i see

**todd anderson**

i'm not even home so wasn't my fault

**knox overstreet**

i thought neil was going to the store

**charlie dalton**

he did not

**knox overstreet**

oh

my bad

**neil perry**

knox i was out with pittsie i didn't have time to go to the store

why didn't you go

**charlie dalton**

who cares

point is you all owe me cocoa puffs

**todd anderson**

all of us??

no thank you

**knox overstreet**

i'll get your stupid cocoa puffs

**neil perry**

you really got so upset about cereal that you're blasting the honorary title???

we agreed that was NOT the right use for that album

**charlie dalton**

when you blast susie suh do i criticize you for it?

no

**neil perry**

okay charlie

i'll remember that

**todd anderson**

charlie you're listening to the honorary title without me??

:(

**knox overstreet**

he's not really listening to it

he's playing it in an act of protest

for not having his damn cereal

**neil perry**

charlie i am going to kill you

**charlie dalton**

do it you won't <3

**todd anderson**

please don't kill anyone

**knox overstreet**

as someone who comes from a family of lawyers i agree

**charlie dalton**

ew i'm dating a lawyer 🙄

**knox overstreet**

i've already told you i'm not going into law

but go off

**charlie dalton**

when you ask your best friend to kill you and your lawyer boyfriend says no 😫

**todd anderson**

sometimes i wonder why i'm friends with you

but hey if you're going to the store can you get me some hot chocolate

**knox overstreet**

yes todd

anyone else need anything

**neil perry**

chicken nuggies!!!

**charlie dalton**

you said nuggies 🤣

**neil perry**

you got a problem with that???

**charlie dalton**

no

it's just funny

**knox overstreet**

okay

cocoa puffs, hot chocolate, and chicken "nuggies"

anything else

**todd anderson**

oh i need some batteries

don't even say it charlie

**charlie dalton**

say what

**todd anderson**

you know what

they're for my switch controller 😐

**neil perry**

i can't believe you'd think charlie would say something bad about you needing batteries

what kind of person do you think they are

**todd anderson**

someone that makes jokes out of everything

**knox overstreet**

he uses it to cope

**charlie dalton**

wow

just exposing me like that

**neil perry**

you know he's not wrong

when your childhood dog died you just spent an entire month making everything funny even if it wasn't funny

**charlie dalton**

he was a funny dog! let me alone

**knox overstreet**

okay well i'm leaving

text me if you guys remember anything you need

**todd anderson**

i need someone to pick me up so i don't have to be with my parents

**neil perry**

aren't you coming home later??

**charlie dalton**

yea it's sunday what's up with that

**todd anderson**

i am

but i just wish i wasn't here

**charlie dalton**

if knoxious wasn't using the car i'd come get you

**knox overstreet**

sorry

**todd anderson**

no it's okay

we'll all be together to watch that documentary keating told us about

**neil perry**

fuck

i forgot he wanted us to watch that

**todd anderson**

it's not for class don't worry

it's just a recommendation

but when has he steered us wrong before??

**neil perry**

fair point

**charlie dalton**

wait

no

i'm not watching a documentary

**todd anderson**

oh come on

it's probably really interesting!!

**charlie dalton**

no

count me out

**knox overstreet**

i'm at a red light don't yell at me

charlie just watch it with us

**charlie dalton**

or what

**knox overstreet**

no cocoa puffs for you

**charlie dalton**

fine 😔

i'll watch your stupid documentary

**neil perry**

okay can you change your music now

**charlie dalton**

sure

is this better

**neil perry**

uh oh

**todd anderson**

what are you playing charlie

**charlie dalton**

beautiful soul :)

the whooole album

**neil perry**

excuse me while i go kill charlie

**todd anderson**

:/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> charlie uses various emojis ironically because they think it’s funny  
> the documentary they're going to watch isn't anything specific, just anything you imagine keating would recommend them to watch <3
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from lately by metronomy  
> the honorary title album charlie plays is scream and light up the sky  
> beautiful soul is by jesse mccartney


	30. everything you, every time you, every word you say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter is short.

**todd anderson**

you forgot your laptop

**neil perry**

did i really

fuck

**todd anderson**

are you in class yet

**neil perry**

no

halfway there though

would you mind bringing it to me

i'm right by the fountain

**todd anderson**

i guess

i don't know how you'd forget to put it in your bag

**neil perry**

i didn't get much sleep okay

too busy listening to evil urges

**todd anderson**

so that's what i heard when i woke up

i'll be there in five

**neil perry**

i've been on a kick the last few days

my morning jacket, father john misty, band of horses

that side of my music taste

evil urges just happened to be the choice today

**todd anderson**

i'm not judging

i was listening to real love baby on a loop

**neil perry**

well you get a free pass for that one

anyway we haven't talked about what your dad was telling you when he dropped you off

**todd anderson**

you want to have this conversation right now??

**neil perry**

no

but when you're done with your class later we should talk about it

**todd anderson**

fine

you aren't going to like it

**neil perry**

i don't like anything that man says to you

**todd anderson**

fair point

he's not a very likable person

**neil perry**

whatever it is can't be as bad as my dad yesterday

texting me telling me how much of an idiot he thinks i am for not having the same views as him

like no thank you i'd rather not be an asshole

**todd anderson**

damn

okay i see you now

**neil perry**

wow you look cute today

thank you for bringing my laptop <3

**todd anderson**

np

you look cuter though

**neil perry**

if i didn't have to go to this stupid health class i'd fight you on this

but alas, i have to be bored to death

**todd anderson**

don't worry

you'll only have to keep taking it for several more months :)

**neil perry**

shut up

at least i don't have to take it next year

**todd anderson**

i'm glad

you suck at health science a lot

**neil perry**

thank you

i do the bare minimum <3

**todd anderson**

at least it's not a stupid business class

**neil perry**

business would be more fun than this hell

anyway gtg

**todd anderson**

have fun honey

**neil perry**

<3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thinking about either ending this (i know) or putting it on a brief hiatus but i'm not entirely sure yet
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from if i told you this was killing me, would you stop? by the juliana theory  
> evil urges is by my morning jacket  
> real love baby is by father john misty


	31. i fell for your tricks, i’m the casualty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> !! tw for mentions of homophobia and implied abuse
> 
> another non-text chapter bc oops  
> also very dialogue heavy my bad

neil was watching a _friends_ marathon when todd came back.

“how was health science?” todd asked, walking over to the couch and sitting down.

“oh, it was fine,” neil mumbled.

immediately todd could tell something was wrong, but didn’t want to mention anything.

“i guess you wanna talk about my dad now.”

“if you want to, yea.”

“well, we talked about them moving. making me an isolated aspect of their lives. he said they’re paying my tuition but nothing else. i literally don’t have a home anymore, neil.”

“oh, honey, i’m sorry. you know my offer still stands, if you’re comfortable with it.”

“you really think your parents would say yes?”

“i don’t care what they have to say about it. i’ll be away from them in a few years anyway, i don’t see why it would matter to let my roommate live with me.”

“maybe because we’re more than just roommates.”

“if it’s an issue we’ll just leave.”

neil was not at all convincing, but again, todd let it go.

“okay. i’ll think about it.”

“did your dad tell you anything else?”

“no.”

“are you sure?”

“...no.”

“so what is it, then?”

“nothing serious, i guess.”

“you’re making it _sound_ serious.”

todd focused his attention on the tv, recognizing the episode of _friends_ to be from season eight. he knew if he told neil what happened he’d never let it go, but he also knew he couldn’t hide it forever.

“jeff snatched my phone from me while you and i were talking. he didn’t send any messages, just read through a few.”

“and?”

“he handed my phone back and told me it made sense i was gay. very loudly. everyone in the neighborhood probably heard him.”

“oh.”

“wasn’t a good night.”

“i’m sorry.”

“did your parents ever hurt you?”

“what kind of question is that?”

“a valid question.”

“i’m going to assume you mean if they hurt me for being gay, in which case yes. more verbal than physical but still, it happened.”

“does it ever go away?”

“does _what_ ever go away?”

todd looked back at neil, who could immediately tell he was trying to avoid crying.

“feeling like you’re a disappointment. that anything you do from now on is useless.”

“i don’t think it goes away entirely. maybe it gets easier, but it’s always there.”

“when jeff got everyone’s attention i thought i wouldn’t make it out alive. dad wasn’t happy at _all_ and- and he made sure i knew it.”

“oh, todd...”

“can we talk about something else?”

“yea- yea, of course. we could uh, we could- i don’t know what we could do.”

“you good?”

“i’m fine, just exhausted. i didn’t get much sleep when you weren’t here and i guess it carried into today.”

neil gave a fake smile and leaned closer to todd, pulling him into a hug.

“you’d tell me if something was up, right?”

“of course, toddy.”

“good. i _do_ worry, you know.”

“i know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> music references:
> 
> title is from i like u by niki


	32. not drowning, just swimming slow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whatever i was intending on writing for this chapter is not what it became at all but hope you enjoy
> 
> !! tw for the slightest mention of self harm/relapsing

**neil perry**

hey

when you coming home?

**todd anderson**

i just need to find one more book and then i’ll be done

what’s up

**neil perry**

i’ve been thinking a lot

not good though

**todd anderson**

if it’s about my family i’m sorry

i didn’t mean to burden you with my problems

**neil perry**

it’s not that

i know you’ll be upset with me if i tell you but i don’t want to hide it from you anymore

**todd anderson**

okay then tell me

**neil perry**

i haven’t taken my meds for two weeks

**todd anderson**

why??

do you need a refill?? i can get them refilled

**neil perry**

it’s not that i ran out

i just. i don’t know

i know they help me but i missed a day on accident and then just kept missing them

**todd anderson**

can you start taking them again?

for me?

**neil perry**

yea

yea i can

**todd anderson**

i’m not mad at you btw

i know it’s hard for you to keep consistency in your life

but i’m glad you told me

**neil perry**

would you be mad if it wasn’t the only thing i’ve been avoiding telling you

**todd anderson**

depends on what it is

**neil perry**

i almost relapsed last night

key being almost

**todd anderson**

what stopped you

**neil perry**

we don’t have a first aid kit in here

and meeks sent me a dumb chem meme

completely took me out of the moment

**todd anderson**

what made you want to do it??

**neil perry**

everything felt overwhelming

i didn’t sleep much when you were gone and i guess because i wasn’t taking my meds it all just crashed on me

i’m sorry

**todd anderson**

no don’t be

it’s okay

what matters is that you stopped yourself from doing it

i know it sucks you thought of it in the first place but you didn’t act on it

**neil perry**

so you’re not mad

**todd anderson**

no

i’m glad you told me though

**neil perry**

when you get back can we just cuddle and watch something

**todd anderson**

yea of course

but if you’re interested i wrote a new poem today

**neil perry**

omg

new poem!!!

my boyfriend wrote a poem!!!!!

**todd anderson**

it’s nothing too exciting

kind of influenced by recent events

**neil perry**

can you read it to me

please

**todd anderson**

yes

i’m on my way back now

**neil perry**

keep talking to me >:(

**todd anderson**

i wasn’t intending on stopping

**neil perry**

good

bc besides being a depressed bundle of joy i’ve also been thinking about nicer things

**todd anderson**

like what

**neil perry**

when it gets nicer outside we should go on a picnic

by the lake i told you about

**todd anderson**

a picnic sounds nice

**neil perry**

and we’ll go to the aquarium and see the otters

**todd anderson**

yes

otters are nice

**neil perry**

i think that’s why i didn’t relapse

**todd anderson**

because of otters??

**neil perry**

no

because i can look ahead and think about doing that kind of stuff with you

i’m not stuck here hoping for a better life anymore

i already have a pretty good one with you

**todd anderson**

oh neil

i love you

**neil perry**

i love you too <333

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of an abrupt end ig but hey. would you expect anything else at this point i’m probably ending this in a few chapters anyway
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from breathing underwater for dummies by rav x kill bill x scuare


	33. i wish i pushed myself all the way, i wish i wasn’t tired every day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i really have no idea what this chapter is but it was extremely difficult to write

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> probably really bland way to end this i know but my motivation to write this has left me and i can’t leave this as a non-finished story but i’m also not going to say it’s completely done. maybe i’ll revisit it in the future who knows, but for the time being enjoy this open-ended thing <3

**todd anderson**

so

i see you’re listening to high violet

what’s up

**neil perry**

oh yea you can see that

i’m just vibing

**todd anderson**

do you see what i’m listening to

**neil perry**

elastica

**todd anderson**

:)

**neil perry**

back in that phase huh

**todd anderson**

it’s better than your broadway-only phase

**neil perry**

.......

**todd anderson**

it wasn’t bad!! just weird

**neil perry**

well what else would you expect from me

**todd anderson**

nothing

it was just funny

**neil perry**

can’t be as funny as when you wrote charlie a poem

**todd anderson**

why would you remind me of this

**neil perry**

because it was funny 🙄

**todd anderson**

:/

okay

**neil perry**

they didn’t even know what to do with it

only you would write him a poem about needing to clean

**todd anderson**

how else was i supposed to say it

**neil perry**

just say hey charlie can you clean the kitchen when you're done

don't write a whole poem

**todd anderson**

okay fine

subject change

how are you doing

**neil perry**

i told you i’m vibing

**todd anderson**

i know but can you blame me for being worried

**neil perry**

no

but i’m okay

**todd anderson**

you sure

**neil perry**

yea! i’m fine

i’m just bored

i wish you weren’t working on that project rn

**todd anderson**

why

what would you wanna do

**neil perry**

sit and watch movies

listen to ouch! on blast

you know

the usual

**todd anderson**

ah yes

i would like one order of ouch! please

**neil perry**

this is why i love you

**todd anderson**

because i liked ouch!?

**neil perry**

because you’re cute

you say dumb little things all the time but it’s cute

**todd anderson**

oh

well in that case

i found a little froggy plushie on etsy

**neil perry**

froggy???

sign me up

**todd anderson**

maybe for your birthday :)

**neil perry**

i forgot it was my birthday soon

😳

**todd anderson**

we’re going to the aquarium idc what you say

**neil perry**

oh i don’t have a problem with that

but who’s we

**todd anderson**

all of us

if that’s okay

**neil perry**

that’s fine

i was just wondering if i was going to deal with charlie complaining about the lack of dolphins again

**todd anderson**

oh yea

but that’s the best part

keeping charlie entertained is hard enough

**neil perry**

knox has a hard life but he chose it

**todd anderson**

at least you get easily entertained when i show you otters

**neil perry**

OTTERS

WHERE

**todd anderson**

at the aquarium dummy

**neil perry**

getting me hyped up for nothing 😔

**todd anderson**

you only have to wait a few weeks to see them don’t worry

**neil perry**

but i don’t want to be older

**todd anderson**

ik honey but life doesn’t work that way

**neil perry**

rude

**todd anderson**

charlie said they’re making brownies for you

**neil perry**

omg

does he know i love him

**todd anderson**

yes

**neil perry**

good

i hope they’re all for me and me alone <3

**todd anderson**

i think meeks will want some

**neil perry**

he can get his own 😐

**todd anderson**

hey be nice to him

**neil perry**

i am nice!!

i send him memes all the time

**todd anderson**

i’m sure he appreciates that

**neil perry**

me and him have a group with pittsie just for science memes

he has to appreciate that

**todd anderson**

what a nerd

**neil perry**

i didn’t choose to take so many science classes okay

the least i can do with this knowledge is put it into meme form

**todd anderson**

okay fair

**neil perry**

anyway listen to jim james with me :(

**todd anderson**

right now??

**neil perry**

through the group session thing

**todd anderson**

okay

oh wait

tribute to??

hell yea

**neil perry**

now finish that project and get home so i can hug you

**todd anderson**

okay honey

**neil perry**

<3

**todd anderson**

<333

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look whatever you think neil's birthday is it doesn't really matter here because this is a story where the concept of time just isn't real
> 
> music references:
> 
> title is from come over by matt watson
> 
> high violet is by the national  
> elastica (self titled album) is by elastica  
> ouch! is by matt watson  
> tribute to is by jim james


End file.
